oh no

Ok so im kinda freakin out at the moment!!!

Im not the kinda girl who dresses up very often...i love my comfy clothes...but somehow I have to find something to wear to the work Christmas party...the invite dress to impress!!

The problem lies here...I think Ive forgotten how to do that!! And even if I knew what I was doing, my body has gone through some dramatic changes since having children...and they werent good changes!!! I look awful in everything I try on!!

So I think Im not going to be all that impressive at the Christmas party...which makes me sad (devastated actually) cos i really wish my body was the way it was 9 years ago and i could have worn whatever I wanted...not that I was that great back then but I certainly didnt have all the awkward bumps and bulges that are now all over me and simlpy refuse to look decent in anything!! I am going into town today with a new mission...I am no longer looking for a dress that will impress...(cos thats clearly not working for me)...I am now going to look for a simple top and pants...something safe and comfortable...this makes me a little sad cos I really wanted to look pretty and girly.

Oh well one day I will hopefully get somewhat of my shape back and feel confident enough to buy pretty clothes again...problem is a cant see it ever happening. I struggle with this everyday of my life and have for a long time...the truth be told I have had an eating disorder for the majority of my life...I know I know...hard to tell now cos im fat as at the moment...but I have suffered since I was 10 with bulimia which then eventuated to anorexia when I was 16 which landed me in the locked ward of an adolecsent hospital being forced to eat in exchange for my freedom.

(Some of you are probably thinking wow this is a little to deep to be writing on your blog jess...but...well this is me its who I am...)

I had a lot of trauma in my childhood,sometimes life just sux and this contributed to the decisions I made...I cant blame anyone else anymore...the buck has to stop with me..Im an adult now...in control of my choices...but I still really struggle day to day to not fall back into these habits...they have been there for as long as I can remember...the constant nagging voice of "you will never be good enough, you look disgusting, your fat, your ugly...." So in some strange way as protection against my self I have become very overweight...and as much as I cant stand to look at my self in the mirror...its a little safer to be this way than to run the risk of becoming sick again and being taken away. I have a 6 year old daughter and I dont want her to grow up knowing the realities of anorexia in her home...so I give her the reality of having an obese mother instead...makes a lot of sense doesnt it....well theres the funny thing I suppose...when has it ever made sense?